


Excuse Me What And Other Incredible Tales

by MetroidReploid



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender, Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse), Original Work
Genre: Gen, cabbage guy is just inexplicably here, hey isis how does it feel to disappoint your gods on a daily basis, none of this is posted in chronological order we hopping around the full re timeline my pals, probably going to put all my re shitposts here even if cabbage guy and the dragons dont appear, said original work is about dragons, this is a shitpost au crossing over re with an original work of mine and a friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 04:04:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20829122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MetroidReploid/pseuds/MetroidReploid
Summary: A collection of joke fics I wrote for some friends, preserved here for all eternity.Our brave heroes meet dragons, a man selling cabbages during the zombie apocalypse, and so much more!





	1. Jill "Meets" Caelia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jill meets a dragon and reacts in a way I can respect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written a bunch of these already and decided to post them here so they're easier to access (and also because maybe someone else might like them).
> 
> An OC of mine appears in this one, and you can find artwork of her here: https://twitter.com/IsisDreamWeaver/status/1178586628664811520
> 
> A friend's OC also appears, and she can be found here: https://twitter.com/IsisDreamWeaver/status/1178587730856611841
> 
> The "Excuse Plot" for them being in Raccoon City is Caelia wanted to visit a human world and they ended up with.... this one.
> 
> I'm so sorry.

"Did I lose it?" Jill mumbled to herself, out of breath and leaning against the wall. She couldn't see it, nor did she hear it moving or speaking nearby. It was gone. For now.  
  
She didn't have long to ponder it or anything else, as thunderous footsteps boomed in the distance, increasing in volume. Was it...? No. It was bigger. It was much bigger. In the corner of her eye, she noticed a half-empty, abandoned water bottle shaking with the vibrations.  
Before Jill could say anything, a massive scaly paw burst through the wall beside her, a cascade of brick falling down the head and neck of the gigantic creature.  
  
...It was a dragon? Since when were there dragons?  
  
The dragon looked her way and gasped. "Another human! Hi there!"  
  
Jill screamed and ran, summoning every last ounce of strength she had and also didn't know she had to escape this newly discovered threat.  
  
"Wait, no!" Caelia cried out, scrambling to catch up with Jill as she struggled to squeeze herself into such a small space. "Come baaaaaack!"  
  
"I can't get eaten by a dragon!" Jill yelled to no one in particular, leaping at a ladder that was in front of her. "I've got a dog waiting for me at home!"  
  
Jill climbed up the ladder with more speed than she thought she had, disappearing into a circular tunnel that she knew the dragon's Tyrannosaurus rex-sized head couldn't possibly fit through. She let out a hysterical laugh. "I made it!"  
  
The ladder had other plans.  
  
Frozen in place, Jill could only watch in horror as a locking mechanism within the ladder broke, the ladder extending to its full height, dropping her right back down the way she came. In front of the dragon.  
  
"There you are!" Caelia's eyes glittered with what would've looked like the sheer childlike happiness it actually was to literally anyone else.  
  
Jill let out another scream, this one more of an enraged howl, and kicked Caelia's face, prompting a more shocked than pained "Ow!" before scrambling back up the ladder and into the tunnel.  
  
"You really know how to meet people," Saturn groaned, standing outside the building, but looking in through the way Caelia had smashed her way in. "I really think you bonded with this one."  
  
"You think so?" Caelia asked.  
  
"...No."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entire one was shamelessly stolen from a scene in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, also known as my favorite Resident Evil movie.
> 
> I'll be posting another one soon after this, featuring Cabbage Guy.


	2. Of Cabbages And Sharks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jill and Chris arrive at the Neptune Tank, and meet someone who... really shouldn't be here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the other one i'm gonna post tonight
> 
> apologies in advance
> 
> (for the purposes of these joke fics/this au, i'm operating on the idea that chris and jill go through re1 together
> 
> gonna do the same with re2, wrt leon and claire)

The first thing Chris and Jill noticed after entering the secret passageway was that it was flooded. The second thing they noticed was they could build a bridge across the water with crates, which was currently the highlight of their night.  
  
They came to a large door, looking at each other for a moment, wordlessly telling the other to stand back while they opened the door to see what was at the other side. This, of course, resulted in them both rushing for the door and fighting over the door handle, pulling the door open.  
  
"Who are you?!" Cabbage Guy shouted, standing in the shallow water, his wagon full of cabbages behind him. He was seemingly oblivious to the mutated sharks swimming around in the water behind him.  
  
"We could ask you that same question!" Chris shot back, staring at the wagon. "...And why... are you... selling cabbages? Here?"  
  
Ripples traveled across the water, as a much larger shark approached Cabbage Guy and his wagon.  
  
"No!" Chris and Jill both cried out at the same time, moving in to save Cabbage Guy from the jaws of the Neptune, only they proved too slow to reach him before the Neptune...  
  
Snapped its jaws around the wagon, crushing it and spilling the cabbages into the water as it sank below, quite happy with its newfound prize. Seemingly unaware of the brush with death he had encountered, or perhaps not caring enough, Cabbage Guy zeroed in on the actual crisis, staring at the cabbages floating up to the surface of the water.  
  
"MY CABBAGES!!!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll post the other ones eventually... Sorting out which ones I want to share first dkffkgh


	3. Caelia's Grand Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caelia has a great idea, everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another one. I have too many of these.
> 
> This is set in the remake of RE2, specifically.

"All I did was say hi, Saturn, why did the humans run from me?" Caelia despaired, slumping her head on the floor like a dejected canine. She stretched her wings out with a groan, her sheer strength causing them to punch right through the ceiling and bring it collapsing upon her. "Ow!"  
  
"Can't imagine why," Saturn sat outside the building, looking in through the wall Caelia had smashed through. She rolled her eyes. "Really can't imagine why..."  
  
A flicker of light caught Caelia's attention, and she turned her massive head to look, finding a still functioning vending machine. "Wait, I've got a brilliant idea!"  
  


* * *

  
  
"This is actually a terrible idea," Saturn said, looking at the pile of junk food and soda cans that Caelia had buried the floor under. "They're going to think this is a trap, Caelia. This is what an obvious trap looks like."  
  
"Huh, really?" Caelia blinked, having not thought of that inconvenient detail. "I'll fix that!"  
  
Pulling a notepad and a marker from her power suit, she began scribbling down on it, tearing the page and then taping it to a stick, putting the newly made sign on the top of the junk food pile. The sign read "Not a trick!"  
  
"See?" Caelia grinned at her handiwork in pride. "Now they'll know it's absolutely safe!"  
  
Saturn didn't dignify any of that a response except with a heavy sigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will definitely work.


	4. Class Is Probably Cancelled, Elza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elza Walker is here for some reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So awhile back I learned about Elza Walker. I decided to give her a... unique personality.

"Okay, first of all, big mood," Elza Walker murmured, walking past a zombie that had decided to lean over the desk, head resting near a mountain of paperwork that was sitting unfinished. It didn't make a move to grab Elza, instead looking at the paperwork in complete bewilderment and a hint of despair.  
  
She really wanted to know what was going on. First she was on her way to the university, but instead she walked into one of those terrible horror movies she'd watch late at night and then never sleep for weeks. Only this time the monsters were real. Which sounded like a good tagline for a Scooby-Doo movie.  
  
Would her auto insurance provider believe her when she told them that her motorcycle was totaled in a zombie apocalypse?  
Elza heard voices nearby, and for once, they didn't sound anything like the moans of the zombies or the screeches of those things she had silently elected to never talk about.  
  
Turning the corner, she saw two genuine humans, a police officer and a woman of culture judging by her extremely fashionable leather jacket. The officer probably wished he looked that good. And they were both talking about...  
  
A room with a pile of vending machine food?  
  
Elza rubbed her eyes in the hopes that maybe her vision would clear up and banish the oddity from time and space. It did not.  
  
"Did I walk in on some kind of demonic summoning?" Elza asked from beside the officer and the woman of culture, making them jump slightly in surprise. Ignoring that, Elza narrowed her eyes at the pile of junk food and soft drinks. "...Demonic summoning on a budget, I see. Yeah, that's fair. Capitalism screws us all. So anyway, I'm Elza Walker, who're you guys?"  
  
"...Leon S. Kennedy," the officer answered.  
  
"Claire Redfield," the woman of culture answered.  
  
"Nice, nice, we should do name tags," Elza said, returning her attention back to the pile of food.  
  
It was then Elza noticed it. The sign that said "Not a trick!" Amazing. Demonic summoning on a budget and with a terrible reassurance it was legit? It was too much.  
  
"I'm gonna guess none of you know what's going on," Elza murmured, stepping towards the room and ignoring both Leon and Claire staring at her with now barely contained horror, their bodies twitching as they fought an inner battle over whether to stop her or not. "I'm just, you know, reasonably sure it's not finals week."  
  
Before Leon and Claire could make a decision on what to do about it, Elza snatched a chocolate bar from the pile. She turned around, seeing the terror in their eyes for the first time. "Okay, listen. Not even Satan himself could stop me from eating this chocolate bar. I've had a very long night, I am small, and I have no money. I can't even begin to explain the stress I feel on the inside."  
  
"...There's a dragon," Leon said after a moment of stunned silence. "A dragon put that all together. It's a trap. That is so obviously a trap, and you just... you just... went in..."  
  
"You're going to get us all eaten by that damn thing," Claire half-growled, half-cried.  
  
"Nah, I can't get eaten by a dragon, or zombies for that matter," Elza shrugged as she walked out of the room and down the hall. "My class schedule won't allow it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elza knows no fear.


End file.
